Jason Sanchez
"Household Phonics"

A

as in

"I need a chair to rest my arse."

B

as in

"For once, there's no bills in the mailbox."

C

as in

"Because of prolonged sitting, these cushions need restuffing."

D

as in

"Why is this doily so off-center?"

E

as in

"Everytime I sit on the toilet, I am greeted by this troubling sight."

F

as in

"High school football does not last forever; Concussions do."

G

as in

"Geez Louise, this lampshade is filthy!"

H

as in

"What is a barstool other than an adult high chair?"

I

as in

"I lift, therefore I am."

J

as in

"For heaven's sake, just put your darn sock in the hamper!"

K

as in

"My will for making puns is kaput."

L

as in

"Let us pray we don't find a dead rat clogging the gutters again."

M

as in

"These exfoliation gloves will help your pimply teen manage his skin."

N

as in

"Needless to say, the pup's rear-end is spectacular."

O

as in

"Placing towels on towel hooks is overrated."

P

as in

"Please vaccum the trail of Cheez-It crumbs you left behind."

Q

as in

"Thinking of jokes for each of these captions is quite a quixotic task."

R

as in

"These wires pose the risk of electrocutions and electric slides."

S

as in

"To be sure, the carpet does not match the drapes."

T

as in

"The previous caption was not very tasteful."

U

as in

"You don't have to understand baseball to be bored by it."

V

as in

"I am 97% sure this thumbdrive contains a virus."

W

as in

"Although it may look like it, I can assure you this is not a weed plant."

X

as in

"I bought this table from a xylopolist and flipped it on eBay."

Y

as in

"Why yes, she only received a participation trophy."

Z

as in

"I have officially run out of zingers."